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3 Little Things

As I'm thinking about things like I often do, I come to the realization there are three things that are inheritanly in need of adjustment:


1. I am too loyal to a fault.

2 I rely on the word and supposed support from others.

3. I am afraid of rejection somehow.

1. My loyalty stands with the notion that others will do the same for me as I would for them. Even when they don't show that they will, I still will break my back to do whatever I can to help them. Often times (more often than not) people tend to show who they are and I accept them or accept the situation, to the detriment of my own well-being some times too. Which brings me to number 2.

2. I have trouble holding people to their word. And even when I ask of them to do something, lots of times people don't stop what their doing to accommodate my ask. But...it's not like they're supposed to. People have lives to live also. It's just, what do I do? Should I ask them over again? Should I remind them that I would stop what I'm doing for them? Should I just forget what I asked them to do? Should I just day forget it and do it myself? Should I call them out on it? Either way, the idea of me stopping what I do to help them can be a hindrance to me. And I'm realizing more and more that people often don't keep that same energy, until some level of success comes from the results. Then people will be more than willing to help.

3. My therapist told me I was afraid of rejection. In the beginning I thought she was off with her assumption. But now I'm beginning to see that is the case. Why else wouldn't I go hard on the things I desire? It's not like I don't have the hustle bone in my body. My dad instilled it in me so it's there. I guess it just hasn't been activated yet. What's more upsetting is that I don't know where this fear started from. I believe it was passed down from my mom because she would tell me stories of how her life could've changed for the better had she chosen to not be fearful of the outcome of her actions. I'm not going to go into specifics as to what life event changed the course, but I'm believing now that my fear had been planted at that time. Almost as if what's the point to even try.


I will admit, seeing my therapist is helping me a little bit. Nothing is accelerated that is worth chasing. Things take time and patience to mature into what it's supposed to be. I get that. But first I need to remove my fear, my thoughts of others wanting to help me and my reliance of other people's time and actions. Now that I think about it, none of this would be a problem if I just stopped telling people, hell everyone, about what I'm trying to do. True, it's good to have a group of really close friends that can counsel me. But ultimately, my thoughts and goals should be kept at a minimum. Only people who will actively help me with my quest shall know what that quest is. Like the old saying goes..."I will tell the world my plans, but first let me show you."


So yeah.


E.

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